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Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
weedfairy
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6:55a
another one bites the dust
and it's over. he cheated on me. or attempted to. the night of our 1-month anniversary. before that on halloween he came home way after he should have been home from work, piss-ass drunk, and forced such terrible sex upon me that i made him stop in the middle and left crying. it was the closest thing to rape i've ever experienced. it was awful. and it seemed a cruel 'reward' for stopping my habit of sleeping around and being celibate for six months so i could let the past-life filth wear off. i wanted to be fresh when i met someone. and i was completely fresh when i met him. and now i still feel completely fresh. because for some reason, and i don't think it's shock or avoidance, none of this makes me feel bad about myself. i was good to him. i was good to his kids. and for the first time in my life i don't feel like the cause of what made him cheat. i know it wasn't me. i don't know why i've felt so terrible after every other time i've been cheated on. i guess you experience something enough times and you learn how to effectively deal with it.
i ought to be heart-broken, shouldn't i? i really don't feel anything. i honestly feel like 'oh well, back to being single' and that's that. i do like being single, and i'm not lonely. and i've been masturbating like a wild monkey for weeks and weeks. it wasn't a complete loss because i learned the value of thongs. unless i'm in the red it's all i wear these days. i have some REALLY cute ones too.
it was hard to leave the kids. it's always hardest to leave the kids, because you're never mad at them. this is the second pair i've gotten close to and had to break from in three years, so i think i'm all done with that. i'd rather be single than date another man with kids i'll have to give up when the relationship sours. plus i want my own kids, and i've noticed men who already have them seldom want more. i still don't want to birth them. i'd still rather adopt. another sticky issue when you're seeking a life-partner.
another thing, i will never ever EVER tell another man i'm seeing that i ever used to like girls. it just makes everything go straight to hell. i don't want group sex. i've never wanted group sex. and i don't want to be used to achieve someone else's fantasy of group sex.
what i want is to meet a nice man who will never cheat on me, get a modest (MODEST) house, adopt a couple of kids, get some pets, plant a garden, have a pleasant life. it should be simple, but it's not. i would also think that seems like a really appealing idea to someone, but it hasn't yet.
the thing that bothers me most is after this experience i will probably not bring another man to meet my family until we've dated for 6 months without him cheating on me. i haven't told them what happened yet. they all really liked him and his kids. i keep getting asked if he's coming to thanksgiving and christmas.
i also think i got over my ego needs. the past four people who have told me i'm beautiful also physically used me for their own amusement. so that line will fail in the future. so will any others that try to massage my ego and make me feel good.
i've also started watching the calendar and noticing how quickly time is rolling by. even if i met the man i am going to marry tomorrow, i think it would be months before i let him get inside my body or my mind. it's just not worth it anymore.
there's more to all this, but i don't have time. plus there are lots of other things going on in my life. i'll get to it. when is there time anymore?
current mood:  disappointed
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