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Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
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5:00 pm
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Read An Inconvenient Book by Glenn Beck(semi-lame), Killed Cartoons(alright but simple and quick), and Jailbird by Kurt Vonnegut.
Of course Jailbird ruled.
I fear that my AIDS is kicking my ass today. No longer am I living with AIDS, I think I am now dying of them.
Foreshadowing from around this time last year
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| Monday, January 28th, 2008
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2:20 am
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| Thursday, January 24th, 2008
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6:25 pm
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Today finds me worn down and needing a day off.
The book Religion Gone Bad by Mel White is a total fucking disappointment.
The title should be "How Evangelicals Are Keeping Gays From Marriage, and Other Redundancies."
Don't sell a book that's just about the gay agenda, as a book that's about the anti-religion agenda. Especially not making it noted that the author went to seminary schools and is a firm believer in both religion and god.
I still have two more days of work facing me down.
I realize one thing I hate about my job is the friendships I make just for them to quit, get fired, get hurt, or get transferred.
I'm tired of it.
Jeff H. (almost killed me last year, overloaded a boulder) just called recently. We got close and enjoyed the hell out of each other, even after working 12 hours together. Of course he got transferred and now I get to talk to him maybe once every few months.
I just wish I could put together my dream team of the explosives crew. No whiners, no pussies, all hard workers, and all great senses of humor.
We have one faghat on the crew that will shake at the sight of lightning. YES lightning has a possibility of setting a shot off. Has it ever? NO. Get the fuck over it. When it's one hour till shot time and shift change, do not go pussy over a lightning bolt. Wire it up, get the fuck out, and shoot it.
He also gets pussy over working under the highwalls. The main reason he does this is just so that one of us will do it instead. Fuck if a rock does crush us we get big money. If we die our family gets an automatic million dollars AS LONG AS we have all our safety equipment on. Fuck it.
I've lost focus.
I quit.
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| Monday, January 21st, 2008
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8:00 pm - Eat AIDS volume 45
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Today finds me in good spirits and it's probably to do with the new book I started. I know how nerd and pathetic.
Papa Hemingway kicks ass so far. I started it yesterday and I'm half way through it now. There's a lot of similarities between Hunter and Ernest. I have the feeling Hunter tried to mirror him, especially knowing that Hunter took a trip to the house and the specific room that Ernest shot and killed himself in. It goes deeper than that. The way they lived, even though Hemingway wasn't into drugs and was a successful fiction writer. They both view journalism in the same light, but Ernest was actually brave enough to cut the ties of easy money that journalism brings, as where Hunter never could do that. Both their suicides were brought on by the failure of their physical beings. I don't think either of them could deal with the fragility that age brings with it. I believe Hemingway said something along the lines that on the line is the only good place to take things. I also recall Hunter talking about "the edge" and only few knowing what it is. This being during the "Hells Angels" years.
I don't know, I'm enjoying the hell out of it.
Fuck I had a page bookmarked to put a quote on my journal today but I left the book at work. Re-I'm the guy that brings a book to work everyday and gets made fun of.
I think I'm finally burned out on Vonnegut for now. It actually took me more than two days to read his last book "Welcome To The Monkeyhouse." I'm thinking it's because it was nothing but short stories. I'm hoping at least. Even thinking about that leads me back to Hemingway because he said he never set out to ever write a novel. He simply wrote short stories and if he kept going they just became novels. It was to prove that there was too much emotion to just put in a couple of pages.
Blah, who's predicting a Hemingway phase for me next?
I'd probably never be able to be a writer because I'd find myself mimicking everyone I read.
Although I think Picasso had a quote saying something along the lines of the difference between and amature and a professional is who they steal from.
Fuck if I know, I'll just go to work tomorrow and blow something up.
Repeat and eventually decease.
Hemingway kept a kickass beard so I figure I'll keep mine until the weather warms up. At least I haven't had to invest in a face mask this year. Plus like previously mentioned it makes me look younger. I've been carded every time buying beer since I grew it. I even had a 57 year old man ask me to get some candy out of his pocket because his arthritis has been acting up. That hasn't happened to me since I was 14.
We both enjoyed it.
I guess I can end this on a rant. Something to get the blood going.
My little sister hasn't been in college all year but yet has lied to us all. She hasn't had a job in over 6 months. So basically she's done nothing day in and day out for over 6 months. What boils my blood is that I gave her a card when I had just turned 21. She was turning 19. I had lost everything because of Autumn, I mean I fucking lived in a men's shelter for 2 weeks. I had hit rock bottom, drugs, job, apartment, everything. I didn't have a car or a dime to even go out and buy her a car. So I drew her a spongebob(first drawing I had done since my mom passed) and wrote her a letter on the inside explaining why I'm such an asshole to her. Telling her blatantly that I never want to see her going down any street I've went down. That the lessons I've learned aren't lessons I'd wish on an enemy. It was even the first time I actually told her I loved her. Evidently words don't mean jackshit.
I guess she's even trying to out do me because at least I've always had work ethic. She can't even get her ass out of bed for a god damn job interview.
My greatest mistakes were because of a dumb whore, as where hers is because of nothing. I lost my car and gave up my job because of Autumn. As where my sister has a car paid for by my dad, an apartment paid for by my dad, and still won't even go out and get a job.
I think college is more a bad thing than good these days. Take a survey and see how many people enroll and actually graduate with a good head on their shoulders, compared to the ones that are the like of my sister.
Yeah I know I dropped out, but god damnit I bust my ass 6 days a week. I've seen two people that I've worked with get killed, and I've had countless days where I was so sore that I wasn't worth 2 flying fucks. Just so I could be a middle class whore.
At least I have that initiative.
Obviously I was askew thinking I should start on a positive and end in a rage.
I can't wait to be enjoying both Blue Label scotch and the company of Dennis. I can't even wait to hear him tell the stories we lived together, yet still act like it's new. I was half scared that he'd be changed, but from his phone call, I don't sense it.
Fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, I'm out
-JW
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| Sunday, January 20th, 2008
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6:58 pm
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Last night ended with Lindscore driving me home from her sister's in the tundra while we talked. Yeah I'm emo because I told her to slow down, not because she was speeding but because I didn't really want it to end just yet. So she passed my house up and we kept driving.
It was one of those rare moments I have where I'm not thinking about what I'm going to do next.
It's always in the back of my head that the moment I die I'll probably not even realize it because I'll be busy thinking about what there is to do next. Always thinking maybe if I do this or that, I'll be happier than I am currently. Last night though I was just happy and enjoying the moment.
No new books read this week. However I went to the bookstore last night and bought a few new ones to read. Those would be Papa Hemingway, A Personal Memoir by A.E. Hotchner, An Inconvenient Book by Glenn Beck, Killed Cartoons by David Wallis, and lastly Religion Gone Bad by Mel White.
I usually wake up at 4:50 every morning for work. The other morning I got woke up at 4 a.m. by the phone. I was pretty pissed until I heard the voice on the other line. After a year in Iraq, Dennis is finally back in the states. He had just got to his base in Texas and was getting shitfaced. Over a year without even hearing his voice, just letters and emails. We talked up until I had to go to work. By the end of it we were both getting choked up. He's going to be at the house on Feb. 2nd. I'm getting a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label and we'll do what we've done for over a decade. Sit on the porch, get fucked up, and talk.
I'm beyond happy for Dennis because he'll be coming home finally getting what he'd been wanting all his life, pride. Almost everyone in his life wrote him off because of the heroin addiction and run ins with the law. Now it seems like all that has been erased. Even his sister is showing him adoration. I hate to think that he went through all of that just for people to be proud of him, but I know Dennis. I'm just glad it actually worked out. He deserved pride even before joining the airborne infantry.
I have a feeling a lot of things people do in life are done in hopes it will make someone proud of them.
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| Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
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12:49 pm - Blue balls cold
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My online glory days are over.
God I'm no fun anymore and it depresses the shit out of me.
I don't think I could have a kid because if I had one right now I'd sit it down and tell it, "life is going to make you hurt. You will hurt and go to bed wishing to never wake up, but you will, and that's life's cruel joke. What's crueler though is that the pain you felt won't be the worst pain you feel. It can and will get worse with time. Time heals nothing, it only allows you to find new ways to escape. Now go get me another beer and when you get back to your mom's house punch whatever new "uncle" you got in the nuts for me."
If this is a precurser(sp?) to getting old, I say fuck to you AARP.
I'll either end this life early or I'll be one of the most insane depraved curmudgeons known to man.
I've already made $3,000 this year, but yet I don't even have a fucking TV in my room.
However I'm making a trip to Lowes this weekend to by some 2x2's because I will build a fucking bookshelf. It will be my legacy.
Godspeed and AIDS,
-JW
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| Monday, January 14th, 2008
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8:31 pm - Why fuck with church when you can write angst online: Memos from a Sunday
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My computer blew up. Finally went and bought a new one. It's pretty decent but I hate windows vista so far.
I'll try to rack my brain and find at least some interesting things that have happened recently.
work, read, work.
Latest reads have been, Born Standing Up by Steve Martin, Gonzo by Jann Wenner, God Bless You Mr. Rosewater and Welcome To The Monkey House by Vonnegut, Different Seasons by Stephen King, Iraq and the Lessons of Vietnam by Lloyd C. Gardner, and My Lobotomy by Howard Dully. At least I think that's it.
My two favorites were Different Seasons and Gonzo of course. I don't think I could ever get into Stephen King, but I really enjoyed the hell out of his short stories. Apt Pupil did strange things to me. I hadn't felt tingles like that since I got boners to my 7th grade gym teacher who was 60 year old man with a beard and man titties. He was running and they were jiggling, don't judge me, we're all god's children.
Lindsay came over for the night last night and brought the movie based on the story. She told me I would be dissappointed and she was right for the most part. It was still badass to see Ian Mckellan downing Ancient Age whiskey in a Nazi uniform.
Saturdays are something I look forward to now. Since my last posting I've continued having good saturdays. All except for last saturday.
I went to a party at Randall and Shannon's and there were a few girls there that were a few years younger than me but knew of me. One evidently told the rest that me and her had hooked up when I was in high school. A) I was 18 when she was 14, B) she was from a different high school and I didn't even have my drivers license and finally and most importantly C) she is a sea cow.
She even went so far as to fucking touch me because she "wanted to see if I was ticklish." At this point I was told what she had said, and also she was annoying everyone else so I didn't figure people would lash out at me for being a dick to her. So I did just that. I told her I couldn't have fucked her because I don't own a harpoon. I found it hilarious and expected the rest of the party to agree. They didn't. I was quickly turned into the asshole and made my exit.
Oh well I still got to drive home in a new Tundra.
Honestly just because you have a vagina does not mean any guy is dying to play with it. Because they're scary.
I'm listening to Angels and Airwaves because I can't find any other cd. Bleh.
This is going to be a long boring ass entry. I figure I can write all kinds of mundane shit to catch things up and then won't feel obligated to ever talk about them again.
Fuck all I can get is dial up internet so I've currently got 3 more hours before AIM is finished downloading. Ye gods I'll just let Lindscore burn me a copy tomorrow.
Currently it's 1:30 so they're now selling beer and I just finished off the 6 that I had left so it's time to run down and get a case, booya.
I've got the Bud Light blehs.
A month ago I decided to grow a beard to look older and manlier I suppose. I got carded last night buying a 12 pack and the lady told me that there's no way I'm that old (24). I've had two other people tell me I look young now as well. Mission failed and it itches like hell. I'll post some pictures. I no longer need my digital camera cable because this new pc has a big digital media dock center. So there'll be pictures of that and the Tundra to come.
Fuuuuuuck A.D.D.
Retrospect: 2007 started with me and Jesse drinking and watching Cheaters. It started out really fun, we even cooked out in the snow but then Misty got mad about me wanting to drink beer. Of course passive aggressive is the best way out of all situations so instead of saying anything she just got quiet, wouldn't laugh, and went to bed early. This year started with Lindscore and myself ending up at a party with real crips (blue bandanas on their necks and over their mouths, the real deal.) A personal rule of mine is to never drink in a situation where you might get shanked with a sharpened toothbrush, so we left early. We rang in the new year together in the tundra driving back to my house. Even that was alright though because of the conversation. We got back to my house watched the new volume of cheaters and went to bed. Two things prevail from this story, firstly I have a sick fascination for the show Cheaters and the hosts Joey Grecco's dreamy eyes. Secondly that this year had a tremendously better start than the last 6-7 years of my life. Not one time did I censor my mouth or change my habits, or even feel guilty for being me.
Plus I was drinking Yeungling instead of Coors Light the year prior.
Hot damn some yokels just knocked on the door asking if I could show them the house. Dad's had it on the market for 2 years now. It's a $175,000 house in a $30,000 neighborhood. Also it's in flood plain, got some foundation problems, and is "buy as is" with loans. Which is good for me because I'm living rent free. I think I made a good impression, beer bottles everywhere, with a full one in my hand, at 3 pm on a sunday afternoon. I should've went out and set off some of my mortars. This is why I need guns, just to fuck with people. "Hi nice to meet you, hold my beer while I reload this," would be etched on my tomb. Another funny little tidbit conversation between Lindsay and myself. I told her I want to get a concealed weapons permit so if anyone ever cuts me off I can tap my gun on my window just to let them know. That's when Lindsay informed me that such a thing is against the law. I honestly had no clue. My logic is, I wouldn't point it directly at THEM, just tap the window so that they know I'm insane.
I believe I might take my ears to half inch eventually.
Now listening to the new She Wants Revenge.
I really want to go let off a mortar or roman candle.
Ok couldn't handle anymore SWR, now listening to Opeth "Blackwater Park". Although I'm in the mood for something even more aggressive.
I'm zoning out reading myspaces.
Reading Lindsay's blogs gives me good feelings both intellectually and emotionally.
She's getting stalked fairly hardcore by Misty and her friends. In their head they're almost turning it into a good/evil thing. It's fairly fucked up, fairly long, and more than fairly wrong on their part.
Fuck lets see what's next. I busted a guys mouth at work yesterday. First thing that's pounded in your head before you get your miner card is that horseplay is the #1 cause of injuries on the job. This motherfucker obviously didn't listen and thought it'd be funny to get close to pulling up and hitting me with an open truck door. Well close wasn't the word and it hit me pretty good. Moral of the story, I'm sore as all hell and he got a busted mouth. All he did was bitch all day about how he was going to explain it to his girlfriend. Easy fucknuts, you got yours, the end.
Bleh work has slowed down until March. I'm still getting 50-60 hours a week but they're easy hours. Mainly been spent getting task trained on new pieces of equipment, which can be cool sometimes. I wouldn't mind running a D-11 dozer, or possibly even a 992 G model rock loader.
That is until my dream of making big money writing fucked up shit while drinking and having someone to spend the time with is fulfilled.
So I better get cracking on mastering that equipment.
I didn't touch one drug in the entire year of 2007. Not even marijuana. First time in probably 5 years. Feels nice. Yeah I drink beer, but I've been worse. Yeah sometimes I drink too much but for the most part during those times, I'm the only one I hurt.
I'm a fucking headache and most the time I feel sorry for anyone that actually has to deal with me on a daily basis.
I'll get a laugh, or an ear to actually listen and converse with and that feeling will subdue. Lately the feeling has been more subdued than usual.
God stand back I might even develop some fucked up sense of self-worth. God that'd be a fucking mess.
After reading Gonzo, I've decided that I have to buy a fifth of Chivas Regal just to see what the hype is. Hunter obviously loved it. He also loved Heinekin and Grolsch. Heinekin is alright, kind of skunky but Grolsch can jump off a fucking bridge while burdened with hemorrhoids(sp?). Fuck Grolsch basically.
Fuck I only touched liquor two times in 2007. One time was when I went to the bar with my boss and buddy and the other was my 24th birthday. Of course both times were Wild Turkey 101 proof. Again my only curiousity with Wild Turkey came from HST. I give it two thumbs up though because I've had real fucked up, ripped to the tits, fun both times. I slammed into my dad's truck the night of my 24th birthday pretty good. Of course at the time I thought I just nudged it. Soon realized I had dented it from the cab to the end of the bed. Oh well he traded it in on a new truck the same day I bought my new Tundra.
Fuuuuck I still have to talk about politics, boston sports, and aids.
Too much pressure.
I have $200 riding on the Patriots to win the superbowl. I've never bought a lottery ticket or even played poker for money. I just felt like this is a kind of sure bet, and they're my team. I'm buying rims for my truck whenever I get my taxes back. I'm toying with the idea of taking them to 20" instead of 18's. I'm going with black and chrome. I figure it'll look good with the blue of my truck. Gay vapid shit none of you want to read, sorry.
I'm going to register as democrat before West Virginia's primaries because I think it'll make more of a difference than if I voted republican in the primaries. Really there's a couple of republican candidates I like, that are high up there, so I'm banking one of them will win. However the only democrat I like is John Edwards, and he's going to need all the help he can. Honestly his only chance is for either Obama or Hillary to drop out. He'd stand a good chance in a two man race, but not a 3 man race with that kind of money and publicity to compete with.
If Edwards loses, it'll only be because he's not a fucking minority or because his weiner is one inch shy of Hillary's.
The idea that women will vote for Hillary just because they share the same genital configuration makes me fucking sick. They're just as fucked up as someone that doesn't vote for her because they have different genital configuration.
Please lets keep skin color and genital configuration out of elections.
And don't even give me the bullshit that skin color is actually a bad thing in this election. Riiiiight cause look at all the other presidential candidates that got the backing of fucking Oprah. And god knows having her in your corner is a good thing. Fuck she has thousands of whitebread housewives reading shitty books and watching the Color Purple. She's the god damn pied piper of menopause.
Fuck I'm going to have to remember that last line.
Seriously Obama looks like a fucking monkey. Not in the sense that it's racist and he's black, but in the sense that he has satellites for ears and angelina Jolie's lips.
One last bit on politics. A guy I work with is always trying to get me into arguments. He's also a monkey looking faghat with a 2 inch weiner. Yes I've seen his dick, fuck you it just happened. Anyways he's 26 about to turn 27. I was talking about New Hampshire and how I loathe Hillary. He started with the usual shit "she's the next president." I overlook it of course, then he says this brilliance, "hell in the 3 presidents in my life, I can't tell any change from any of them." Yeah. Divide 26 by 4, given that Clinton served 2 terms. He didn't even know Bush Sr. was a republican.
Yet retards like that vote in the main election and THAT'S why we have the electoral college. Because "for the people by the people" only works on paper or in some intellectual utopia.
Speaking of which I want the Utopias beer by Sam Adams but it's illegal here. Any of my out of state friends want to help me out, I'll give you the price of the beer and shipping, and a little extra.
I'm going to take my first vacation probably in June. I'm thinking of just taking off up north and seeing shit. I'd really like to go to Boston and a few other states. Raise hell with the likes of Amythyst and things of that nature. We'll see.
Misty decided to hold a conversation with me and asked me how I can even live with myself or sleep at night. What the fuck do you really say to that? Well a comforter and pillow helps, uh I don't know. Maybe I am just a monster in some people's eyes. The only thing I'm banking on is that I'm not a monster in the majorities eyes or hell just in certain people's eyes. Yeah correct that "majority" shit, they can suck an ass. I just want certain people to not think of me as a monster.
I need to talk about something happy or else I'm going to turn sideways and be no fun for the rest of the day. Madelyn is still one of the cutest babies ever. I spent thanksgiving with her and randall and shannon. I stopped and got her a huge stuffed dora for her. She kept grabbing my hand and leading me over to her tv. "here you sit here." Me and Randall was playing Madden and she sat in the floor with me and grabbed a controller that wasn't hooked in and played with us. She kept grabbing for mine though because she's too smart to be fooled. I let her play for me a couple times and I still won. I can't even believe remembering the first time I saw her when she was first born compared to her now. She was so small and fragile, and now just a firecracker and so well behaved and good hearted. I remember telling Randall a little bit after she finally got to come home from the hospital that she makes me believe in real compassion and love. I had never been so worried and so close to someone so small and so foreign to me, but it was literally instant.
I plan on spoiling her rotten. I'm getting her into the Princess stuff. I got her a princess shirt for her birthday and a princess bed. For xmas I got her some dora stuff, a tiara and a big princess bag. I think Shannon says she walks around pronouncing how pretty she is, and I think that's fucking awesome. That's the one thing all girls in the world need. Some actual geniune self-esteem. Not the self-esteem that comes off some guy fucking them. Guys will fuck a pocket pussy people, so don't feel too special if one fucks you. You could just as well be a rubber make up of a vagina.
Fuck man, good stuff.
I plan on getting "Of all the sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these; what could have been" tattooed on the inside of my left bicep. Mirrored to the king of hearts on the inside of my right bicep. Of course my tattoo artist is still working on the one tattoo I wrote about earlier. Last time he emailed me was last month saying he still hasn't go the background right. My patience is growing fucking thin. Here I am with the money, the time, and the ideas to start my sleeve and he's pulling this bullshit. Had he not done such a good job on my Hunter S. Thompson piece I'd just go to someone else. I plan on doing that entire leg in HST. I'm putting his memorial statue and a flying gonzo bird on the other half of the leg. I plan on putting in some of my favorite quotes as well. And of course some bats of barstow. Vonnegut has a good quote from one of his short stories I might put on my arm as well. I can't remember it exactly but I think it goes "she's a girl and that's all the chance you need." It's a story about a girl that a guy thinks is just untouchably beautiful. So he's spiteful and mean to her, and hurts her. Then she explains to him what it's like to be her and the only chance he needs is the fact that she's a girl. Carpe Diem.
I wish such wise words would've been laid upon me back when I was 17. They weren't though and I've dealt with what I've dealt with. Despite it all, I'm fucking pleased right now. Hell pleased is an understatement. I wouldn't have it any other way.
My dad will be here anytime, and I don't want to deal with him. It'll be the same old bullshit that I thought I wanted until I got it. I always wanted him to be proud of me, but no matter what I did it wasn't happening. Go to work in the coal mines though and bam, it's fucking instant. I leave work at work (for the most part) but that's all he wants to talk about. I am not my job (how Palahniuk harrrr). Although my boss said one kickass thing yesterday "boys we've got it made, we get paid big money and we blow shit up everrrry day." Fucking eloquent.
I got my boss a liter of Jose tequila for christmas. I planned on doing the bah humbug schtick but then one day he pulls me to the side and gives me a bag full of shit. Hell he got me a new knife, hat, and his wife cooked me a bunch of cookies and shit. So I felt obliged. That might have been one of the closest feelings to xmas cheer that I've felt since mom passed.
Surely no one is reading at this point.
I've never gone into a situation with a girl that I actually had spent a lot of time getting to know. It kind of scares the living fuck out of me, and at the same time doesn't.
I'm terrible for "going along to get along," but I don't have to with Lindscore. She knew the madness she was getting into.
My computer is already fucking up on me after only having it a fucking day. $750 well god damn spent fucking gateway.
this will be the killer of this entry.
Alright went to bed, and went to work. Now here I am a day later still toying with this fucking entry.
I apologize to anyone that's read it.
I just got home from work and off the phone with Lindsay. The conversation ended with me asking her if she wanted a mustache ride. Of course she proclaimed "I vant vone."
Work is becoming less stressful. It will probably stay that way until the elections. We got the mineral rights for another seam of coal about 110 feet below the lowest seam that we just mined. So taking that seam will probably add at least another 6 months to a year of mining. I'm paying $1,000 a month on my truck even though it's just $687 a month just in case I do have a slow period and don't bank as much. Plus doing that will have the truck paid off in 39 more months. Then of course I'll have to trade it in on a $60,000 vehicle, just to be an ass like that.
I'm still skimming through an economics book on the stock market that I bought about 4 months ago. I would still like to take about $2,000 and start a portfolio. I just want to be smart about it and I know I'm not at that point yet. I've got the paperwork to switch my company 401k from safe bonds to risky investments. I really don't plan on retiring with the company I'm with so I know at one point I'll have to cash out anyway. I figure fuckin'a. Plus I'd actually have to live to retirement age, and I don't think any of us would take that bet.
Fuck you, fuck this, I'm out.
I'll try to give a weekly updates on sundays.
In summation(sp?) life is more positive than usual, work is work, Lindsay still makes me happy in gay emo ways, and most importantly I still don't regret anything that has happened post-24th birthday.
Some say when their life is good that "life is like a bowl of cherries." Well I don't like cherries so my life is like a good mustache ride.
mmmmm.
-JW
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| Thursday, November 29th, 2007
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11:02 pm
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I have to be up and at work in 6 hours but I'm sitting here wide awake.
Lindscore just left and I'm still jazzed up or some shit.
Finished The Sandbox today. It was a pretty good and easy read.
That was it for any new books to read.
The new From Autumn To Ashes CD makes my AIDS tingle.
My little sister is having her birthday party this weekend. Her and all her friends will be coming here tomorrow and having the party here saturday.
All I want is to drink Sam Adams, beat on Lindsay, get a new tattoo, and some new books. That's all I want to achieve with my day off.
Something will fuck up.
It's nice looking forward to my day off, and that's the last nice thing I'll say.
Fuck you.
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| Wednesday, November 28th, 2007
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9:03 pm
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*wrote this yesterday just never did upload it.*
God damn deadjournal is dead.
Read Gallapagos and Player Piano by Vonnegut. As well as The First Five by Henry Rollins, and Bloodsucking Fiends by Christopher Moore.
Bleh I'm halfway through Living A Year Biblically. It's entertaining at least.
Yeah I'm still boring.
Fuck you.
I'm borderline excited for the weekend because I'll hopefully be getting my new tattoo, hanging out with Lindscore, and also going to the bookstore.
My new tattoo will take up most of my left forearm. It's a girl in a corset holding a 6 pack of beer in one hand, and in the other holding a book open like she's reading it.
It was either that or a tattoo of my truck with words underneath it saying "I'm super cereal."
I got my ears back to 00 gauge because it's just too much fun to go to work and get queer comments by a bunch of miners. Makes me want to fall in love.
I need to go and change my voter registration, so I can actually have a productive vote in the primary. I just don't know which party yet.
I'm down with the Libertarian thing these days but I think it'd be counterproductive to be registered one for the primaries. What the fuck do I know other than blowing shit up.
ModdedHeart (3:44:04 PM): i want that fucking ring back i can at least get $900 for it
ModdedHeart (3:44:07 PM): then spend it on drugs
ModdedHeart (3:44:23 PM): then write an emosong about it
amybwhitehouse (3:44:25 PM): shut up about drugs
amybwhitehouse (3:44:29 PM): hahahaha
I woke up about a month ago and realized that I'm a stranger to 98% of the people that claimed to love me.
Random.
I expect to die a stranger to most, that's a given, but I think there's certain degrees of being unknown. I don't think I'm too fucked up to at least hope for a little bit more.
My truck needs washed and I also forgot to armour all it this weekend.
I usually have at least one person from work wanting to race me every 2-3 days. Today I discovered I can burn out even when I'm already going about 20 mph. Boring I know.
I've read 10 Vonnegut books this year and I'm wanting to take a break but I know I'll buy another one this weekend. I also know I'll love the hell out of it.
I got the urge to do shots of Wild Turkey. It's been sitting there half full since my birthday party. While I do the shots I want to dance to the new JEW cd though, while in my truck. God damnit too many wants at once.
I haven't had this computer with internet in this exact room since I was 21. Feels weird, especially since the background is of some fucking cat that Lindscore thinks is pretty.
Fuck.
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| Friday, November 23rd, 2007
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9:51 pm
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I spent today fucking shopping.
No I didn't turn queer, well queerer I guess would be a more appropriate statement.
I'm not engaged, I'm not Misty's anything and she's not my anything.
She's another fucking lesson learned and I'm starting to feel like maybe I have a learning disability.
I don't really feel like going into it. I sacrificed too much of myself and after a while it just built up. I held way too much anger in towards her instead of just saying "hey that pisses me off." I "went along to get along" for too long.
I take full responsibility for it in a fucked up way. I told her to keep the ring and pawn it to pay a few months rent.
My new truck is pretty kickass. All together it came to $41,000. I'm paying $1,000 a month so it won't be too long before I get it paid off. Plus is a Toyota so it'll hold its value.
The day the truck was delivered to me was the same day me and Misty ended for good. How god damn poetic, prolific, or some bullshit.
A short run down on that. Lindscore and Johncore had been hanging out after I'd get off work. Misty wasn't a fan of that even though we've been friends for almost 7 years. Well I got off work early because I didn't know what time they'd be delivering my truck. So Lindscore comes over to hang with me because she was actually excited about it too. Which is a nice fucking change. Well Misty never comes visit me and all of a sudden I get a phone call. Both her and her mom are coming to "surprise" me. I tell her that's cool, me and Lindscore are just sitting here waiting on my truck. She says "well good, I need to have a talk with her anyway."
Negative.
I work 70 hours a week and up to that point, dedicated what free time I had to doing anything Misty wanted. Now here I am actually hanging out with a friend and she's going to start getting jealous. Fuck I don't bust my ass to support her to then be doubted on what I do for the 2 god damn hours of the day that I have free before I go to bed.
Anyway I told her there's nothing she needs to talk to Lindsay about. She says it'd be a friendly chat and I told her I don't want Lindsay feeling uncomfortable just as much as I wouldn't want her feeling uncomfortable. I then hear her mom in the background running her cock sucker and tell her to just turn around and go home.
Anyways, 2 weeks later my older sister went and got all my clothes, computer, etc... She called that night and that was that. Told her to pawn the ring and I hope only good things come her way. Fuck I even apologized for wasting her time.
Ever since I was around the age of 17, I would always say to Lindsay "damnit I have to find your identical twin."
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.
I can let any fucked up idea or thought spew out of my mouth and not worry about Lindscore freaking out or judging me. Granted she might call me an emofag or a faghat, but that turns me on.
I could spend a few pages talking about all the great things that make Lindsay so kickass but you'd all get bored.
I think just knowing that she makes me (me the crazy idiot that likes kinky sex, reading, beer, and dehumanizing people) happy, is enough of a statement on its own.
Knowing that these days I have more smiles and laughs then I do worries and anger.
Knowing that I never really dread or worry about a conversation with her going wrong.
Knowing that looking at her gives me the tingles (both sexually and the kind that makes you feel like you're fucking 14 years old again.)
Knowing that she's probably thinking I'm an emofag right now, and that rules.
Fuck just knowing I got her right now and that's what matters. The future will happen and I can deal with it then, but right now god damnit I'm going to have my day and never fucking regret it.
Never regret her.
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| Sunday, November 4th, 2007
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4:08 pm
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My $35,000 new truck.
Same color and everything, it's getting delivered to me either tuesday or wednesdayyyyy
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| Sunday, October 21st, 2007
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12:56 pm
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Who's the drunk faghat who makes one private entry a year?
Me.
Watching the real housewives of orange county and keeping a milf boner.
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| Sunday, October 14th, 2007
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5:57 pm
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Are you excited for tuesday as much as I am Lesleeeeee?
New Jimmy Eat World and I am fucking pumped.
I've even asked to leave work early. The sticker on my car went dead in June (I just got it back from the shop) so I need to get it inspected anyway.
I don't know if I wrote about trashing my car on the first day of vacation, did I?
Anyway 2 and a half months in the shop and having to drive a fucking rental car.
Anyways read Deadeye Dick by Vonnegut and Giving by Bill Clinton. I also re-read Somebody's Gotta Say It by Boortz.
Clinton was in West Virginia I believe last night. I think it was $1,000 a plate to go. I would gladly pay that to meet him if Hillary wasn't running for president right now.
I want all of Henry Rollins' books.
24th birthday is right around the corner.
Fucking weird man.
Me and my buddy took our boss out drinking last week. We had to hold him by the shoulders while he pissed. We got him tore the fuck up AND got him hooked up with a 35 year old psychologist.
I ended up blowing $100 and my buddy blew $200, but it was a good time.
Never again though.
At least for now.
We took the company truck, equipped with sirens and "warning explosives" signs all over it.
Lindscore stopped by and will need to do so more often.
They're supposed to be bringing broadband internet through where I'm living now sometime in the first of the year. At that time I'll actually be on here writing more often.
Last night I drank some Sam Adams with misty and her friends. Made an ass of myself in a nice restaraunt and bought a dvd burner. My weekend in a nutshell.
Fuckin'a on the Redsox.
Har har at the yankees.
I rented a cabin in the smokey mountains for the week of thanksgiving. It's pimp with a jacuzzi and hot tub. So that's something to look forward to after the new JEW comes out.
Well tons more to say, but no thought and time to put them all down here.
AIDS
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| Sunday, October 7th, 2007
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9:29 pm
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Alive.
About to pay off my car and buy a new chevy silverado come april.
read mother's night and time quake by kurt vonnegut. As well as IV by Chuck Klosterman. Enjoyed it more than Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs.
the end.
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| Sunday, September 16th, 2007
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1:58 pm
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Still alive.
Sarah (the_big_7) joined yahoo personals and one of her matches was the guy Jessica cheated on me with and was supposed to spend the rest of her life with blah blah blah. Evidently he's looking for a mature girl that isn't going to play games.
har.
Read Slaughterhouse Five and Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. As well as Happy Endings by Jim Norton.
Buying a 52 inch HDTV this coming weekend.
I win.
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| Saturday, August 18th, 2007
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9:36 pm
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Being engaged is insane.
Read Lamb by Christopher Moore.
Huge labor day cookout at my place saturday after next. Tons of food, a keg, and illegal fireworks.
Still trying to find my cable to my digital camera.
Found beer in SC that has my new tattoo on it's label.
badass.
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| Friday, August 10th, 2007
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7:36 pm
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lesleeeee my phone/voice mail is all screwed and i couldn't get calls out.
I'm sorrrrrrrrrrry I wanted to call you badly, maybe tomorrow night there shall be a drunk call.
I'm engaged.
Misty cried hardcore.
Pictures to come.
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| Sunday, August 5th, 2007
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10:44 am
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I bought a 1/2 carat princess cut diamond set in white gold ring on tuesday. I took Misty's parents out to eat friday night to ask for their blessings to marry their daughter. I puked twice on the way there. I was a fucking nervous wreck.
They gave me their blessing and her dad even welled up.
So we leave for the beach early tomorrow morning.
I'm a nervous fucking wreck.
If you want me to call you tuesday and tell you the good or bad news, leave me your #
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| Saturday, July 28th, 2007
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5:33 pm
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Because of the hours I'm working I've realized that I know work more than I know myself these days.
Over a year working in coal mines now.
Had some hairy weeks.
A man with my company got killed by flyrock last week.
We had the highwall cave in on us and break out some glass.
And to end the 73 hour week, today we put rock into a hydraulic oil tank and have to go monday for piss tests.
Read Christopher Moore's "Lamb" and "You Suck"
Oh yeah I also got a personal fine from MSHA because I wasn't wearing the right color hard hat. They should've been happy I was wearing one period because to be honest, we never wear one unless we know inspectors are present. Since I have over a years experience I'm supposed to wear a black hard hat at all times.
blah blah blah you don't care.
I wish the word/action/idea of retrospection have never been created.
One more week of work and I'll be on vacation relaxing at a pimp hotel at the beach with Misty. I'll think of you all while I'm relaxing just as I'm sure you all think of me from 5 every morning till 7-8 at night while I'm at work for 6 days a week.
I still haven't started building my book case. Fuck I hung out and drank beer on the porch with Lindscore for maybe 2 hours this week and that's the only recreation I had. Fuck I haven't even went fishing in 3 weeks. Even after buying a new pimp Coleman lantern and 2 new rods and reels.
We had a guy quit so on his last day we gave him a royal "greasing." We picked his truck up and moved it sideways so he couldn't drive off, then held him down and shot oil and grease all over him. Hopefully he remembers us forever. Even after all that though he hugged and shook all our hands and gave us his phone # to keep in touch. It's fucked up but that's just how it works.
Last weekend we went to a Friends Of Coal concert because my company gave me free tickets. Saw the country band Lonestar and they played Billy Joel's Piano Man and it actually ruled. The downside being there was around 25,000 people there.
I'm probably on the road to fucking crazy.
"show me the way from crazy" Jimmy Eat World.
Seriously do it cause I'm down a one way street. I work and then wake up on saturday my night off only to realize what I haven't had time to realize during the week. Then I proceed to drink even more beers than what I did during the week.
Yeah I might only have 1-2 hours before I go to bed everynight but I down a 12 pack in that time. Find an evening where I have no beer in me and you shall find a grave man.
It's time for me to put my whole Jimmy Eat World collection on repeat on Itunes and drink beer endlessly.
I've been with Misty for over a year now and that blows my fucking mind. Seriously I can't wrap my head around it.
I don't know if I've grown or prospered over the last year. I know that I like some changes, like not verbally cussing, reading more, loving more, and making tons more money. There's a lot of things that scare me though. Is the mines really what I want for the rest of my life? I'm already hooked on the money. Fuck I make 2-3 times more than any college graduate around here or in most states.
They say God loves a working man, he should love the fuck out of me.
Re: fuck retrospective
"spinning and spinnning, do you believe in what you want" mmmm JEW
I didn't update last weekend because Misty was off and we went to that big concert. She knows "of" my journal but that's about it. I've let her read a few entries from when I first met her. She already knew about the Jessica bullshit because she was a confidant during it. So no need to go back that far. She's amazed that I've had it since I was 17 and wants to read it all but I could never let her because I did say I love you to a girl before her. I just had no clue what love was at that time. Infatuation would've just been so more intelligent to use at the time. Not to mention the fact I'd hate for her to realize just how ignorant I was with giving girls chance after chance.
"and now the haze clears from your eyes on a sunday"
The acoustic version of the song makes me tingle more.
I've betrayed Coors Light for Natural Light. I don't care what shit anyone talks about Natural Light. It has more of a beer taste than any other light beer. Fuck I drank a 12 pack between my boone county house and me and Misty's house in princeton today. "Oh my god you drank and drove" fuck yeah I did, eat an ass.
Eat an ass all you fucking democrats right now too. Hillary Clinton was in West Virginia this week. Of course I was working. Which I probably wouldn't be making as much money working right now had John Kerry won.
Seriously people, we already had the preseason of Hillary Clinton. Health Care reform in the 90's, come on seriously, you all can't have that much selective memory. Yeah she's a chick running for president, wooo. Her dick is probably only an inch or so less than Obama's.
Hippie: "i believe in nuclear power" Ok Chernobyl and the fact that nuclear waste has to be buried somewhere and is more toxic than anything
Hippie: "i believe in windmill power" Ok california, when you become independant from coal give us a call faghats
After my 65th hour in a week I see absolutly no money. I worked 73 hours this week but had I only worked 60 I'd take home more money. It puts me in a different tax bracket. So all you fucking mooches in WV living in parsonages and on foodstamp can thank me for about $900 these last 2 weeks. Fuck ya.
And no I'm not dissing all government assistance programs. I think Chips and WIC and all things kid and single parent related is a godsend. I'm talking shit about people that can go out and get better paying jobs but don't.
And most people that are screaming "that is so republican of him" are bullshit. I'm registered independant. You fucking think I like working 73 hours a week and having my life risked at least twice a week? Fuck no but I'm not about to let the ones I live be on government assistance or living in a church parsonage;)
eh fuck it.
"now i'm getting that sick taste in my mouth from that medicine that I can't keep down, you know time heals nothing but itself"
fuck if that isn't hitting the nail on the head.
Victory.
Defeat.
Bleh.
"do what you want but i'm drinking" disintegration JEW
I'm telling you, I was meant to be the spoons or tambourine player for Jimmy Eat World.
Me and Autumn (girl I lived with for almost 2 years, fucked my world, left me with nothing, etc... I'm sure you all remember) has been in communication over the last month. She has a kid and is like 5 months pregnant with another kid and is getting divorced. Her mom tells me that "when you love someone else it just won't work, she's always loved you." It's hard not to laugh. Honestly that wouldn't have been said if I wasn't making the money I make now. What after 5 years she just now realizes she really loves me? She even makes comments like "it takes more than just donating sperm to be the father of her babies. I told her anyone could be the father of them." Uh yeah I'm not as dumb as I used to be. I'm drunk and that's the only reason I'm talking about this right now.
Fuck if I keep this up you all will really hear some shit.
"Write my name somewhere safe"
It'd kill me to think that every girl I've ever been with would somehow forget me like I have some girls. Double edged sword I know.
Oh yeah almost forgot. We had a 5 ton truck full of explosives catch on fire. The brakes were locked and the driver didn't know. I got a huge pat on the back because I actually put it out while everyone else was chicken shits. One of the tires blew from the fire which made my ears ring but that was it. It's the false sense of safety. They thought they were alright standing back and not fighting it. Truth be told, had it blown everyone would've died. Pussies. I got 5 extra hours on my paycheck from the mine foreman for it. Plus the other guys on the crew got chewed out and now everyone makes fun of them. The coal boss even asked my boss "are you going to be a pussy all of your life?" The end.
Again more shit about work that no one cares about. It's hard to spent 70+ hours doing something and not talking about it.
"stay with me, you make the hardest thing seem easy"
So I'm thinking about asking Misty to marry me while we're on vacation.
I get nervous even talking about it.
I know I love her more than I'll ever or ever have loved any girl in my life. Most importantly when she tells me she loves me, I don't doubt it. Even for a second, I just don't doubt it. I've never had that.
Again wouldn't be talking about this if it wasn't for the overflowing beer.
It might be weird but even though I'm 23, I'd love to settle down with Misty.
We've even discussed kids. We both want them, I even told her if we have a girl I demand it be named Lilly. I don't know, I just love the name, especially coupled with my last name White. Yeah I'm gay I know.
"i'm taking kisses back, yeah i want my kisses back from you"
I think the main part is every girl I've been with before Misty never actually got me. Of course alot of it was my fault for not opening up, but they never gave me the chance too. Most people aren't listening but just waiting for their chance to talk. Even if they put up a good show, you can question them later and they wont remember. Misty listens to me and encourages me. I've revealed things to her that I've never done to anyone, even on my journal.
And it all freaks me the fuck out.
I mean if it doesn't work I really just have to throw the towell in and turn into the old drunk curmudgeon.
Believe it or not I don't want that.
Yeah me and Misty had our problems. She threw 10 shades of shit when I got my H.S.T. tattoo. I originally invited her to the appointment but she flipped out so i cancelled it and told her i would get it someday. Well i rescheduled a month later and got it. Two days later she saw it on my leg and flipped the fuck out.
Blah blah blah.
Here we are.
I still have to take some pictures of it. It's the book jacket of "The Jokes Over, Ralph Steadman on Hunter S. Thompson." The book is brilliant with a foreward from Kurt Vonnegut so please go out and get it. A lengthy book but if you love H.S.T. you'll love this insight on his personal life.
Fuck now I tunes has slipped to Atreyu. I love me some hardcore sometimes. Next will come Poison the Well. "I still haven't taken your eyes out of my bag"
That song reminds me of graduating high school and my first job before I started college for art. Fuck a bunch of all that. I can't even remember the joy I got from painting and drawing. And to think I had a full ride to an art college in Atlanta, Georgia. Fuck it. All sentences that start with "and to think" need to burn with the term "retrospective." Also sentences that start with "no offense,""I was drunk and...,""I felt guilty as soon as it happend,"and I'll throw in "I like french fried potaters" just cause I watched Slingblade last night, need to burn.
I'm sure the grammar in this entry sucks but so do you, so fuck it.
Lindscore's dad bought a stress ball reliever that's formed in the shape of a hard hat. It's from a mining company that's initials spell F.A.G. So I literally have a faghat stress reliever now. And you all wonder why she's the jelly to my peanut butter. Booya.
I still have a couple of more hours and a shit ton of beer before this ends.
Oh yeah we all know what that means... I should make an LJ cut but i'll be way too beyond drunk for that.
"you took me home i drank too much, because of you my liver turned to dust."-Atreyu
If I ever do become an alcholic I think I'm going to blame days off, taxes, and the current democratic party.
I still remember the first night I actually got drunk off of beer. Still the night manager at Foodland and it was a saturday. My older sister had bought me beer cause I was underage. I told the night cashier "well I'm going home to get drunk" and I remember exactly what he said, "just don't John, just go to bed, it's not going to help anything." Fuck if he wasn't right but yet I still did, and I fucking loved it.I was a raging pothead in those days and had just scored a fluffy half ounce and got fucked off of that as well.
I ended up puking my guts out but man I was hooked.
From then on out, my one day off I'd drink. See I've always worked 6 days a week, always been used to it. I know what it takes to make money around here.
I still remember the first beer i drank (budweiser at age 18) and swearing I'd never drink anything that nasty. Now that taste gives me goose bumps.
Now Playing: Atreyu's cover of "you give love a bad name."
Bleh.
My thoughts are getting just a bit too jumbled to try to write and comprehend.
I'm getting Dennis a new box put together to send him in Iraq. I really worry fucking sick about him. He sent me a letter last weekend saying he's counting down the days till me and him are drinking on the porch again.
Beyond politics and political parties, I fucking miss my best friend.
Emo.
I reckon I'll end this here.
Not because of time or reason.
But because of not drunk enough.
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| Saturday, July 14th, 2007
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3:58 pm
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So I'll be heading to the beach for the first week of August.
My first vacation in over a year.
I got pretty shitfaced yesterday. Today when I walked in the gaurd shack the fatass gaurd told me I looked like hell. I told him I had one too many beers last night. He replies with "I figure that's the only way you all can work that job."
Lame.
I read "You Suck" by Christopher Moore this week. It entertained me.
I'm now halfway through "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoapuffs" by Klosterman I believe.
I read "The Politically Incorrect Guide to Global Warming" last week.
I have "Slapstick" by Vonnegut waiting on me.
All I want to do in my free time is read and drink beer of course.
The new mine is doing really great.
I'm making 2.50 more an hour and actually enjoy the workers. A guy got his hand blown off three weeks ago. The explosives had degraded just too much. With this certain type once they get to that point, it barely takes anything to set them off.
Of course we all made jokes about how much money he'll get. We all got a list of a pricelist for each of our limbs and how much.
Just so you know losing a thumb and pointer finger is big money.
middle finger on, not so much.
Next week I'll be getting my coal bonus. Supposed to be around $500 after taxes.
Free money... the best kind.
Plus I love that they pay for all my bluecross blue shield insurance and match me 4% on my 401k.
Hell last week they got a catering company out of kentucky to come up to the mine and we had a huge steak/bbq chicken dinner.
I guess I shall be moving to Madison here soon, it's about 30 minutes from the job and my dad's house. I think someone is buying my dad's house. I hate not having my own place anyway.
I've been looking at some townhouses in Madison.
Who really gives a fuck about all this trivial bullshit.
I sense this will be one of them long beer/idiotic entries.
I'm going deep sea fishing and I'm fucking pumped. If I get killed by a sting ray or some wild shit, feel free to laugh your ass off. Fucking Irwin.
How absolutely gay was that Live Earth or whatever. The only redeeming thing it had was Roger Waters. You fucking asshats. Seriously Al Gore is a fatass now. Can a fatass really stand for anything that represents "controlling portions"? Lets just start snuffin cows even more. The fucking c02 burpers/farters that they are.
fuck you all.
Literally for some, configuratively for others.
I bought a $50 bottle of cologne the other week. My uncle now daily tells me I smell like a French whore. The gist? stick with cheap old spice and preferred stock $10 cologne.
I miss Adrienne.
A lot more than I probably should.
Fuck that old boy get back on track, be the cold hearted asshole that pays off.
I'm going to write a book one day and I don't care if only one person reads it. Just as long as the one did. I don't even care if they come away hating/loving/loathing me. Just that they read it.
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